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Hills Journal   Heeey guys. Well, I'm pretty embarassed about my last few posts. Seems I only post on here when im going through some stupid high school love drama shit. Haha, guess I'm not as well adjusted as I thought. Right now, I'm in a pretty good mood. 3 weeks into our 1 month holiday and I've pretty much run out of things to do, so I spend most of my time inside watching dvds haha. Did I mention it's cold as fuck over here? Pretty bummed that I haven't gone outside of Shanghai yet and it doesn't look like it's going to happen, but oh well. Chinese newyear here isn't that bad, atleast you get lots of money from people you don't even really know. :) The fireworks were nice too. About the whole chenette thing. She went to LA a couple of weeks ago, so I've had time to put things into perspective. I'm kindof involved with another girl right now who I can talk with alot easier than I ever could with chenette. To be terribly honest I think the reasons I've been so into her all this time are pretty much that she's really pretty and has enormous boobs..hahaha. But seriously, personality wise... nope. She doesn't get any of my witty or sarcastic jokes :D It's weird, but all her flaws suddenly become glaringly clear to me now. I feel really stupid that I let a girl make me act so retarded just because she's hot. Never going to happen again... well, hopefully. Hormones are a pretty crazy thing. Another thing that helps me feel better is that her new boyfriend is not nearly as tall or good looking as me. He probably is less arrogant though.. :D But hey, he's smart and charming and Korean. Not to mention he wore pink for her (which btw is her favorite color)and invited her to his church party, whoopididooda. If that's the way you get girls, I'd rather become a monk. Okay, enough with me being a petty little bitch :) I PROMISE, I will never ever make another post about her or any girl ever again. Now let me share with you some of my most prized possesions. Pictures! Pretty much random ones I've collected over the months. If you add my facebook you can see all of them and a shitload more on there. Thinking about doing another dayinmylife soon. All these are from totally random events at totally random times since I moved to shanghai, so don't bother trying to look for any order in them :) ( no witty cut text :( ) Has anything ever happened to you to make you have the feeling that you have to be constantly busy and can't slow down to think about it, because it feels like someone is twisting a knife in your stomach if you do. I have now. I knew it was inevitable and I expected it to happen, but since it actually did, I've been feeling a kind of pain I never have felt before and the only relief is when my mind isn't on it, but it's so hard. There aren't enough things to do. I thought I could be her friend, but I don't think I can keep pretending anymore. Why does she torture me like this? What does he have that I don't? Why won't she just tell me, I want to know. Maybe because I didn't ask. Maybe I will. I don't want her. I just want this pain to be gone. I want to be how I used to be. I just want to not care. Hey guys. It's been ages since I last posted. There isn't that much to say. I'm really really happy to be here in Shanghai. I'm happy to have met the people who are my friends now. In the last few months we've all become close and I love them all. It will suck alot when Christian leaves. So here are a couple of pics from last friday of coincidentally the whole population of white or semi-white people in our grade, haha. We were chilling at the lounge we often go to. After this Chris and I went to a motel party and got fuuuucked up.  Christian, Chavdar, Floris, Me, Chenette Just the halfsies :) Friday Attica! yeaaah. hey everybody! It's been a long time. Anyway, not too much has been going on. I really appreciate you guys being here, I don't know what I would do without your advice. The whole situation with Chenette is beyond weird. When school started again, I was still pretty pissed and pretty much ignored her completely and even avoided her. When I walked past her in the hall way and she smiled at me, I just glared at her. When those feelings subsided and I was no longer upset, I felt like I should have a talk with her. So last wednesday I went up to her in the hallway and asked if she wanted to talk sometime and she was like "yeah, definitely". so during PE class we talked for a while and I basically told her how I used to feel about her and that it was immature of me to be angry at her and not talk to her since school started again. In turn she said it was probably her fault aswell. I also said that I really didn't want it to be awkward between us and we should still hang out and be friends. The problem was I still liked her. I asked Elliot to ask her to his birthday party, but not tell her that I wanted her to come, because I definitely did not want to put myself on the line anymore. Well, at the party the day before yesterday ( which by the way was soooo good) I tried to treat her like I would treat any female friend and we had alot better conversations than we usually do. I didn't sit with her nearly as much as I did the time before at bonbon either. When the time came that everyone started dancing I was like "hey, let's go" and we started dancing... I have no idea how it happened but we kissed again for what seemed like an eternity. That may have been a mistake. I have no idea why she would do it after what happened last time. Therefore, I do not know what to expect tomorrow at school, so I'm just going to expect nothing and keep treating her like a friend. What do you think? Anyway, here are some pictures from the party, which as I said was soooo good. The drinks, oh my god, bliss. We had greygoose vodka, loveshots and champagne.  ( finally.... PICTCHAAAS ) ok ok, I'm really being waaay too emo. It sickens me. In a nutshell what happened was after what went down on sunday, I called her on tuesday and it turned out she was too busy with friends to have time to go out with me, so I'm like okay whatever maybe she's just in a bad mood. So on wednesday I was hanging out with some friends in the lounge of the shangrila and I call to ask if she wanted to come over since it was such a beautiful and romantic view of pudong... "I'm already with friends". Okay..., so on thursday evening I text her saying I had an extra ticket to faithless if she wanted to come. geuss what? yep, "wow, I've been out like everyday, I think I'll just watch a movie with some friends". So I send back: "Oh come on, you have to come! it's faithless! Just bring them along if you want. It'll be fun.". To which she didn't even reply. So an hour later I send another txt msg "hey, so are you coming? I want to see you atleast once before school starts again." "no, I'm not coming" This is pretty much when I get the picture. I got pretty angry which in retrospect is really stupid and embarassing cause the truth is I really do deserve it. I've done pretty much the same thing countless times myself. I'm just better at it than her. Anyway, that night I went out with cristian and floris and we had a guys night out. We talked about alot of things, they gave me some advice and that was that. We went back to cris' house and watched a movie and me and floris crashed at his place. The next day, Friday, I got a pretty bad fever by the time I got home (there goes faithless). So after being cooped up inside for hours and reading about how much fun she's been having and how "that guy from the bathroom was so hot". I developed a pretty dark and unhealthy state of mind. I foolishly sent her the message "hey, I don't fucking understand you, but you know what, I'll make it easy for you. Do whatever, I don't care anymore. It's over for me aswell". She just replied that she had no idea what I was talking about. "Fine, I'll see you around." has been the last msg I've sent her. This almost makes me believe in karma, because the truth is I'm the biggest fucking asshole alive and I'm tired of pretending otherwise. Ok, I geuss I owe you guys an explanation.... Just not right now. god, fuck this. fuck her. I'm going for a walk. Apparantly there's no school tomorrow, because there is a big chance there will be a typhoon. It was raining so hard today and my umbrella snapped off at the handle, haha. It was a piece of crap. ...I may be coming down with a cold. This is why you shouldn't ask me advice about girls :D I'm the red ( Clicky )
Okay, so I've decided to follow the general opinion and fully commit to going for Chenette. That means no more sleeping on girls I don't know. I'm going to a rock show in this bar tonight with Elliot, Matt and so forth. I asked if she wanted to come, but she has to babysit, so yeah. I'm still deciding wether I should call her for tomorrow or Sunday, but I don't know. I'm just kind of afraid that if she says no, our friendship will be awkward and she is someone I would also really like to be friends with if a relationship wouldn't work. This is going to sound horribly arrogant, but I think I could get a date with almost any of the straight single (blind?) girls in our grade with relative ease. Just the fact that I'm not sure with Chenette makes her all the more appealing, so you guys are definitely right in suggesting me to go for her. It seems like the most obvious and un-assholish thing to do in retrospect. Anyway, thanks for all your advice. I really appreciate it. You guys are obviously better at relationship stuff than me :-) |
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